Twenty Fifth

In a couple of hours I'll be turning 25 years old...

I begin asking myself what have I done in the 25 years? Dare I answer?

If only life had a reset button, just so many mistakes, so many stupid decisions, so many wasted opportunities, so many lessons that I should've learned from but still continue to ignore. Lately I've been so frustrated, not having anything go my way, can't catch a break. I feel I've been going nowhere really fast, deteriorating, refusing to grow, regressing into a person of habit and refusing to go out of my comfort zone.

I've forsaken my own health, I'm sick and I still refuse to change my lifestyle, recently I've taken up smoking again after stopping for about a year. I've stopped taking photos, making excuses every time an opportunity to shoot presents itself.

But life goes on, you have to learn to roll with the punches (inspired by Pacman earlier), I need to pick myself up, and move forward. I'll take all the things I've experienced and learned and try to be a better person.

Luckily, playing poker has given me something new to do, new people to meet, new experiences to learn from. I finished in 37th place out of more than 800 players during my first major tournament, not bad, but I still have lots and lots to learn. One of my photos made it to the page of a magazine and I've won 2nd place in an online photo contest. With two of my photographer friends, we were able to establish a travel photography business which we expect to continue next year.

Right now I feel sick and unappreciated so if ever you forget, it just means that it was never meant remembering.

Hopefully, I'll live to see another 25 years, maybe even more. But I'm seriously doubting this.

Pot Committed

In poker terms it means being in a situation when the pot is big enough in relation to your remaining stack that you have to call regardless of the action.

For example blinds 100/200 - if preflop the pot is 1,200, you have 1,000 behind and you are betting 500 you are pot commited, since if someone comes over the top you will have to call 500 into 2,700 pot and if you fold will only have 2.5 BB. (www.flopturnriver.com)

So in short, its the point where you've invested so much into the pot that you cannot fold your hand and you end up going all-in, its the point of no return.

I think I'm pot committed emotionally. I've come to the point that the only logical thing for me to do is to try to finish what I started and not end up looking like a jack-ass. How could I have let myself get into this kind of situation, she's engaged god dammit! I'm getting myself into shit I can't even imagine the consequences of. This is so wrong, hoping for something bad to happen, for someone to mess up, hoping for two people who love each other to give everything all up. It feels so strange having to wait at the sidelines, waiting for somethng to go wrong, I'm not an oportunist and this just feels so strange. I never wanted to be in this position, but as in poker, you play the hand that is dealt to you, and right now is not the right time to fold...yet.

I have to rest now, need to get ready for another poker tournament later

crazy weekend

Good news first, I managed to finish 8th place out of 100 on the final table of the Metro 300 Poker Tournament today, I was able to win 1.5k with just a 300 buy-in. I never expected to make it to the final two tables let alone finish within the top 10.

I've also recently met someone, she's a nurse from Medical City, she took up nursing at UP Manila, and we have some common friends. Too bad she's already in a long distance relationship. I know I shouldn't invest emotionally yet, not when I know that

Now for the bad news, after partying and getting drunk and wasted this friday, I woke up saturday morning to find that my car had been sideswiped, there's a huge deep gash on the driver side door, and the bumper at the back is falling off. now I'm turning to poker to try to find funds for car repairs.

Lastly I received a text message from Kris, my supervisor, he is leaving for Japan this October to pursue his PhD. So that leaves us 2 in the department, but Wini then sends me a text message saying that he'll also be leaving in October to go full time with his thesis. WTF!!! Come October I'm gonna be a "one-man department." I've really found my comfort zone at work for the past year and a half, knowing that I have very capable colleagues and that my supervisor will always be there to decide and make important decisions. But now burden of the Knowledge Management Dept. will fall on me, and its impossible for me to carry it alone. Management has recently announced that we are "freeze hiring" another WTF!!! what do they expect me to do now? our department was supposed to be composed of 4 personnel, we're barely making it with 3, I wonder what will happen when september ends.

I've always enjoyed working with them, Kris treats me not as a subordinate but as a colleague and a friend, and Wini is probably one of the few gay friends that I have, if ever they decide to replace them I hope that they would be as good a boss as Kris. If this doesn't work out I'll probably try to find a new job come January when my current contract expires.

This sucks!

taking chances

"time can't heal heartaches, but a new love will do" -text message

how do you know when you're ready to take another chance at love? is there a certain time frame to follow after going through failure and rejection? do you immediately get back up and start looking for it again?

I guess there are no definite answers, you just have to go with the flow of your feelings and emotions, you make adjustments on-the-fly and try to react or anticipate each situation life throws at you.

I think I'm starting to fall for a friend. But, is finding love it worth possibly destroying a friendship? friendship can become one of the strongest foundations of a relationship, but at times it can become a borderline. I dunno, it just feels right but at the same time so much unfair.

Sana

Pasensya, I'm still a bit high right now and emotional at the same time, but this song really hits home hard.

Nilibot na ang buong mundo
Di pa rin ako nakukuntento
Makakahanap ng ipapalit
Nang walang babala
Lumipas ay nagbabalik pala

Nalilito na ako hindi na dapat gan'to
Nakaraan ay natapos at napagdaanan na
Bakit na sisindak pa sa t'wing naaalala
Matatauhan na wala ka na pala

Ako sila'y nandito na
Ikaw na lang ang kulang
Anong lunod o lalim ba't 'di na lang lumutang
Anong pait ang matamis at aking susubukan
Anong silbi ng narito
'Di mo na kailangan

Hindi nga nagtagal ang pagpapanggap na 'to
Kaliwa at kanan harap at likod ano mang anggulo
Titigan ay bumibigay ako

Damdamin ay kay bigat
Naisip na ang lahat
Wala na ba talaga akong magagawa pa

Ako sila'y nandito na
Ikaw na lang ang kulang
Anong lunod o lalim ba't 'di na lang lumutang
Anong tamis ang mapait at aking iiwasan
Walang silbi ang narito
'Di mo na kailangan

Wala na bang makakapantay at di na ba dapat pang maghintay
Ako lang ba ang nagkasala?
Kumakapit sa natitirang sana.

Kung babalik ka pa hanggang kailan kaya?
Ako dito mag aabang na magdutong na ang patlang
Ang kulang ay mapupunan wala nang makahahadlang
Wala na yatang hihigit sa pangungulila ko
Iba na bang nagbibigay ng mga kailangan mo?

Oh sana
Kay higpit ng kapit sa unan kagabi ko
Oh sana
Inaasam muling makatabi at mahalik sana

Condolences to all Filipinos

We weren't really surprised that President Cory was going to pass away anytime soon, she was battling the late stages of colon cancer for more than a year already, she deserved eternal rest after going through so much pain and giving to so much to the nation.

No president in the history of the country has been able to unite the whole country, except for Gloria and Marcos who have united a large majority of Filipinos against themselves. After the first People Power, a lot of people say that we lost a great opportunity, foreign debts incurred by Marcos could've been forfeited, Genuine Agrarian Reform could've been insitutionalized, and peace with the communist left could've been achieved.

We may never have another leader like President Cory, most of the future leaders of this country will probably come from landed gentry, owners of big businesses, or have ties with the national bouorgeoisie or foreign capitalists. Cory herself came from the wealthy Conjuangco family, and may have used her position to exempt the huge Luisita lands from Agrarian Reform (which later resulted in the Hacienda Luisita Massacre). No future president may or will serve this country the way Cory did, they will always have favors to repay and interests to protect.

President Cory's death marks the end of an era, a period of hope and optimism, with her passing away we lost a pillar of strength, a beacon Filipinos can look towards to and find their way. In a time when this country needs great leaders, one has to sadly bid us farewell.

Thank you President Aquino, may all our leaders aspire to your example, and hopefully serve this nation with the same zeal, nationalism, and dedication to democracy that you did.

The whole Filipino nation is grieving, may we find unity and strength through this loss

trying

how can I even try, if I can never win - the beatles

I often wonder why I bother to try, when I know in the end its all gonna end up in smoke. I've become so used to rejection its beginning to feel like everything that I attempt will end up in failure, the sadder thing is that I'm growing accepting this. But looking at the bright side, the faster I accept this fact, the faster I can get on with life or whatever is left of it.

Walk Away

Walk Away
Ben Harper

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And that means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

************************************************************

Surprisingly, I think I'm taking this latest setback has been easier. I thought that this episode would drive me insane or to the brink of suicide, but now I'm able to work and act normally around people. Although lonely times still drive my thoughts towards what happened, what could've been and what ifs, but I'm now in a better position to control my emotions.

It still hurts, but not as bad as I thought it would, a bit of a consolation.

this is not a fairytale

so why the hell am i expecting a happy ending?

Optimism is overrated, it only gives you hope, false hope at that. Then reality kicks in, whatever ideal or perfect picture you had in your head was just an illusion. Reality bites, it chews you and spits you out, leaving your heart torn to shreds, your self-esteem deeply lacking, and your spirit sorely bruised black and blue. Stand up again? what for? so that others can knock you back down again? I'm happy just lying here, waiting for someone to step on me all over again, the pain from falling is less if your already on the ground.

I prefer cynicism and pessimism, atleast when you're wrong, you're in for a pleasant surprise.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'll give you a hint: Rejection

wala akong alam

di ko alam kung ano sasabihin
di alam sunod na gagawin
di ko alam paano ipapaliwanag
at kung paano pigilan ang pagkabagabag

di ko alam san ako pupunta
o kung ako'y babangon pa
di ko alam paano tiisin ang sakit
di alam sagot sa tanong na bakit

di ko alam paano magiging masaya
kapag naisip kita sa piling ng iba
di ko alam kung paano ngingiti
kung ang bawat minuto'y puno ng hapdi

di ko alam kung paano magpapatuloy
parang ilog na pinigil ang daloy
di ko alam san hahanap ng lakas
para gumising at harapin ang bukas

di ko na alam, ayaw ko muna malalam