Walk Away

Walk Away
Ben Harper

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And that means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

************************************************************

Surprisingly, I think I'm taking this latest setback has been easier. I thought that this episode would drive me insane or to the brink of suicide, but now I'm able to work and act normally around people. Although lonely times still drive my thoughts towards what happened, what could've been and what ifs, but I'm now in a better position to control my emotions.

It still hurts, but not as bad as I thought it would, a bit of a consolation.

this is not a fairytale

so why the hell am i expecting a happy ending?

Optimism is overrated, it only gives you hope, false hope at that. Then reality kicks in, whatever ideal or perfect picture you had in your head was just an illusion. Reality bites, it chews you and spits you out, leaving your heart torn to shreds, your self-esteem deeply lacking, and your spirit sorely bruised black and blue. Stand up again? what for? so that others can knock you back down again? I'm happy just lying here, waiting for someone to step on me all over again, the pain from falling is less if your already on the ground.

I prefer cynicism and pessimism, atleast when you're wrong, you're in for a pleasant surprise.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'll give you a hint: Rejection

wala akong alam

di ko alam kung ano sasabihin
di alam sunod na gagawin
di ko alam paano ipapaliwanag
at kung paano pigilan ang pagkabagabag

di ko alam san ako pupunta
o kung ako'y babangon pa
di ko alam paano tiisin ang sakit
di alam sagot sa tanong na bakit

di ko alam paano magiging masaya
kapag naisip kita sa piling ng iba
di ko alam kung paano ngingiti
kung ang bawat minuto'y puno ng hapdi

di ko alam kung paano magpapatuloy
parang ilog na pinigil ang daloy
di ko alam san hahanap ng lakas
para gumising at harapin ang bukas

di ko na alam, ayaw ko muna malalam

a long day

it has been a long day...

longing to see you again, even for a short time
been longing to hear your voice, the sweetest sound around
long to even receive a reply, i'm growing sadder by the minute
long to just be with you, its when I'm most happiest

long to hold you tight, and feel you close to me
its hard to get by the day when every minute I long smell your hair
its even harder to work when all I think about is holding your hand
but what's killing me is that I can't hold still when all I long for is to kiss your tender lips

i long to love you, but will you let me?

Crucible

Faith is toying with me once again. Suddenly I feel like this is a a test of faith, of patience, and of strength. All of a sudden, two people who have disappeared from my life have mushroomed out of nowhere. One is a trail of tragedy, I fell for her, but she was with someone else at that time, and she's now somewhere far away, we exchange IM's every now and then. But I question the timing. Another popped up in facebook, after months of not returning text messages she suddenly chats me up. I really don't know why life is hell bent on seeing me suffer, you couldn't just give me a bit of a break could you? Funny, but in a sort of frustrating and confusing manner.

I'll just take this as a crucible to test my resolve. Now that I know who I need, I will not fail, not this time. I know who my heart yearns for and will treat others as distractions that I have to overcome. I know who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and nothing and no one will ever get in my way.

sleepless

recently, I've been sleeping later than usual, I've been thinking so much about things. From my non-existent love life to my worsening medical condition. I think my cholesterol level is high again, compounded by the fact that I've been unable to source my maintenance drugs for quite some time now, hopefully my officemate who went to India was able to purchase them for a much lower cost (damn Pharmaceutical companies). Recently I've been thinking about my own mortality, I've grown to accept the fact that I am sick, and my reluctance to change my lifestyle is doing me no good.

I want to die a tragic death. I don't want to die because of this disease, I want to die giving my life to something I believe, I want to die fighting for something and not waste away slowly. My life would probably not go past fifty, I'm turning 25 this year so if all goes according to plan half my life has already elapsed. People will talk about how my life was wasted by my tragic passing, about how I could've done more for others. People will get together and cry for my passing, but they will celebrate how I lived life without any regrets. I will be cremated and my ashes be scattered out to sea, to be one with nature.

I'll probably die alone, my reluctance in finding romance again isn't doing me any favors, I'll prefer to live in the past when I was loved back than risk heartbreak all over again. I'll have lots of friends, but no one to call my bestfriend, no one will know my deepest secrets, I'll take them to the grave. They will all remember times we've spent together, mostly the fun moments, those moments of sadness and tears I usually spend alone, preferring not to bother others.

I don't want to spend a lot of time in this Earth, I've gone through a lot of pain and suffering already and wouldn't want to endure more just to live longer. I'll prefer to die young than die old, there'll be less for me to miss.

I should probably get some sleep...who knows I may be my last day tomorrow, and I don't want to end this life tired